First entry; really nervous

Right...this morning I've decided I'm going to post the first entry into my blog. This is supposed to be, first and foremost, a SAFE place for me to journal (replacing the one I keep underneath my mattress which has become a public declaration of my well-being in the past :-(), to rant, vent, let off steam...etc...you get the picture. (I adore my parentheses (especially on the double!)) I'm sort-of in recovery from an ed, one foot in the door so to say (more often than not only one of my toes are keeping that door open - but at least it IS open!)
So it might be extremely boring, triggering, dull,confusing,upsetting for some readers. I tend to get very graphic in my descriptions of stuff.

That was my version of a disclaimer.

That said: I've thrown above-mentioned journal out with last week's trash. My mom was making comments about my ed and the fact that I refuse to take Lithium for my violent and drastic mood swings b/c of the possible (probable) weight gain. Completely out of the blue, she said, 'you know, Fi, that you're going to gain weight in any case with your ed. So don't you reckon it would make more sense to just take the Li-tablets and gain weight safely? AND feel better while doing it?'


OK...I was too shocked for words.
Firstly, because I've only ever written about my fear of gaining weight on Lithium in said ex-journal. (conclusion: my space has been invaded; privacy (i regard my journal as the ultimate token of privacy) has been violated.
Secondly: who the hell does she think she IS to suggest that I would feel better taking Li., even if I gain weight? If she REALLY read my journal, then she would have KNOWN how absolutely, shaky-kneed TERRIFIED I am at the thought of getting fat.
Thirdly: It is NOT necessarily true that I am going to gain weight with my ed. True, sometimes I binge/purge uncontrollably, mostly because of emotional reasons, but more recently also because of biological reasons. (restricting all day while I'm at work, over-exercising etc) But the binges are getting less frequent (although more severe in intensity).

Oh well...so that's the long of why I've started this blog.

I am really looking into my options as to therapists. I feel I need that to boost my recovery process. (I've not been to one in a year)
Previously, I have mainly been going to this one guy, Dr Obsessive (super-neat is a euphemism for this guy, he's highly qualified, though not in ed's, and compulsively combs the hairs of the rug in his office.) I've seen him since I've been 16. But he's also very pricey. (I don't have medical insurance anymore) And busy. So even if I somehow managed to save enough to see him, it could not be a regular thing, probably only once every 6 weeks, and that is too sparse for me. Yes, I know it's better than not seeing anyone at ALL...but once I decide that I'm going to go into therapy, I want to do it properly. Not be hindered by all the other needy people (with more money than i have) standing in my way, clogging the good Dr's office.
Ugh. This sounded like a whine about poor me, the victim of her circumstances...it wasn't meant like that at all. I merely wanted to state the facts.

Anyway, I think I should go to someone else, for other than the obvious financial and logistical reasons. I would feel more comfortable with a therapist who doesn't feel the urge to go down on his/her knees to straighten the rug's hair/tussles ....(or at least, does not respond to that urge while we're busy with a session! Once I walk out of your door, feel free to comb your rug. Hell, feel free to TALK to your rug if you want to! It is your rug, after all. I just DON'T want to know about it!)
I would also prefer a female therapist, I think...

I am seeing my psychiatrist again this afternoon, (Dr. Zen) and I'm really really really nervous. I have been to see her for the first time about 3 months ago, in the midst of winter, not that that has anything to do with anything really, except that I'm always more depressed and despondent and bingey in winter. She prescribed SSRI's (which I'm only taking on days when I feel like it, which is not the correct way to take them, I know! but I've got something against the whole concept of chemically induced happiness, like you're taking drugs that alter your brain chemistry, so you're happy and smiling and laughing but your life still sucks. Nothing wrong with that in itself, other people would call it 'optimism', I guess it is, only it feels false to me.)

In any case, my appointment is in 4 hours' time, and I'm so worried that she will notice I've gained weight - 5 pounds - since I last saw her. (Ok...so why do I feel that way??? It's not as if it makes me less worthy of treatment than when I was underweight. I know that. SHE knows that (or SHOULD!!??) but still....as soon as my BMI crosses the boundary into the so-called 'normal' range, I feel like I ought to 'be' normal as well...that I've got no right to seek treatment. Oh (enter expletive here) I KNOW that's warped!!! But I cannot shake that nervous feeling.

That's enough for now. My mind is going around in circles. Not going to get anywhere for now. Might just as well focus on my work.