I'm feeling so so despondent right now. Just came back from my visit to the psychiatrist. And I'm feeling like a major failure in every single aspect of my life. I'm not going to type "she made me feel like a failure" because technically nobody can make anyone feel anything without their allowing it. I'm feeling this way, because Dr Zen managed to scratch my (very thin) layer of pretense and laid bare the truly empty, self-destructive nature of my life. At one point she asked me if I'm feeling suicidal, and I honestly answered, No.
NOW it's a different matter altogether. Especially after my mom gave me an ultimatum ("stop your binging and purging by December, or you're out in the cold. On your own. Maybe then you'll be forced to start taking responsibility for your illness.")
I hate ranting about this because I know it's the truth, and that I really need to start acting like the grown-up I am...but it's so daunting to think of changing. I cannot imagine a life without binging and purging to relieve stress. I cannot face it. But I'll have to. Shit shit shit I hate swearing like this, but it's all I can do to keep myself from crying. Dr Zen was so hard on me. I don't want to paint the picture that she victimized me, (or that I wanted her to coddle me) but at the end she regarded me with utter disgust in her eyes, and declared, "the only one able of changing your circumstances, is YOU, but I doubt that you'll be able to do that. You are simply too skilled at being self-destructive."
Although it's true, it still hurt.
I just hung my head, and nodded, before I slumped out of her office in a daze, clutching my prescription for my SSRI's.
God knows what she would have said if she'd known I'm not taking them like I'm supposed to! She probable would have chased me out of her office right then for being an imperfect patient.
Hmmm...this has caused me to think: am I really that desperate for approval and validation that I would even LIE to the persons supposed to HELP me just so that I can fit in a box? (that is, fit with MY idea of "the perfect patient" - someone who is, initially in a hole, then, with the help of professionals and medication, climbs out of the hole, and only gets better with each day? And soon lives a fulfilling life, totally self-reliant and a productive and contributing member of society?)
But that is exactly what I am doing. Pretending pretending...and the moment someone (Dr. Zen for today) manage to penetrate (somewhat) through that pretense, I'm bowled out.(over???)
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